Who are you talking to?

James 3: 5-18

Sis...you have to tame that tongue of yours

Ladies, take a deep breath. Then take another one. You will have to lay down your pride and ego to get through this blog, the same way I had to lay down my pride and ego after God spoke to me firmly.

When we talk about fruits of the spirit, it seems that temperance and self control are overlooked. What is more celebrated is "clap-backs", and "reads". The "culture" has found its way into marriages, when Kingdom and culture do not mix. To be specific, being a strong black woman does not translate to a badge of honor. It comes with preconceived notions, exhaustion, being dismissed and expectations of saving the world with nothing left for one's self. Marriage is not a place for the strong insert whatever nationality you are here woman. As stated in a previous blog, marriage is selfless service. It is a covenant that calls for unconditional love, kindness and understanding. The greatest of those being love.

Of course there will be incidents that will cause emotions to be high in a marriage. There will be disagreements, arguments and times where a husband or wife need to take time to collect themselves before speaking. That is normal. What is not normal is degradation, disrespect and demeaning a person's self worth.

My mouth wrote a check....

My husband and I were blessed to move into a brand new home. With this home came an upgrade of responsibilities. Let me interject here why this portion of the blog won't be contradictory or hypocritical to the afore mentioned information. At this time we had been married for 2 years. I had not matured with Godly wisdom in how to be a wife the way God designed or predestined me to be. I went off wordly knowledge and wanting more control because of abuse from my first marriage. Okay, interjection over.

My husband and I went through a period of financial drought. We were robbing Peter to pay Paul and ducking Paul to give James a cut. It angered me. All I knew about men and money was if something needed to be taken care of, the man should be able to do it. If he couldn't do it, he would find a way...legally of course. My husband had an erratic school schedule that changed every month. There were no set days or set times of the day that he could even try to get a job. At the time that didn't matter to me.

This particular night I was frustrated for a number of reasons. My endometriosis caused my menstrual cycle to be prolonged to over a month. I wanted to go out and travel and buy things that I thought would be good for the house and for me (let me be real). In other words, I had selfish ambitions. I say they were selfish because I would get upset when I would see people traveling and having date nights that we couldn't do. Coveting is a heck of a drug. I got so angry that I started attacking my husband about how he was not doing enough. I cussed him out (I am NOT EXHAULTING my behavior. I am simply sharing my immature actions). I NEVER use the the "N" word unless I am trying to insult a person. I grew up with my great-grandmother and my grandmother so their experience with that word has been a teaching tool all my life about why I shouldn't use it. I used it this night. Side note: I watch true crime shows. Sometimes the suspect will say they don't know what happened and something just came over them. I understand what they mean. When the door is opened to rage or anger, they are allowed free range to walk bodly around your home and be comfortable. Becareful of what emotion or spirit you allow to inhabit your home when you are upset. They don't ask permission to bring company with them. End side note. I did not even allow him to respond to anything I was saying. That was not a normal action. After I said every thing I wanted to say about how I felt about what I couldn't do, I left the living room. I went upstairs to get ready to get into the shower. The conversation (God speaking will be italicized and bold) went like this,

IS THAT HOW YOU TALK TO ME?!

I wasn't talking to you! (Yes I had an attitude. And yes this is where you can call me a plum dumb fool!)

WHEN YOU TALK TO HIM, YOU TALK TO ME! REPENT AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS! YOU CANNOT BE CARELESS WITH YOUR MOUTH. YOU CANNOT SPEAK TO HIM AS IF I AM NOT CONCERNED ABOUT HIM AS WELL. YOU DO NOT GET TO TAKE HIS MANHOOD BECAUSE YOU DID NOT GIVE IT TO HIM! I AM THE ONE WHO CREATED HIM! HE IS MY SERVANT FIRST! DO YOU HAVE HIS BEST INTEREST AT HEART?

I wasn't thinking about his interest or his heart while I was angry. I apologize Father.

Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I sat in that shower and cried. I mean I had snot running down my nose and couldn't breathe cried! I had never had any desire to immasculate my husband. I never ever wanted to make him feel less than. I did that night and to see his face as I went down the stairs broke my heart into pieces. That night I learned the correct order of a household. That night I learned that my husband was a representation of God's authority and leadership. That night I learned that my husband was God's expression of love in the earth for me and for our future children. I ate from the tree of knowledge like Eve, because I wanted something that looked good and could make me feel better. I hurt my husband. I approached him with caution and sorrow because his entire body language had changed. He was a victim of "friendly fire" by way of my tongue. I apologized and asked if I could hug him. I asked for forgiveness but understood that if it took a while to receive I couldn't be mad. In the midst of this reconciliation Holy Spirit said,

"Get a bowl. Put warm water in it, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood and anointing oil in the bowl. Take the petals from the roses that he bought you and place them at his feet. Wash his feet and stand him on the roses after he is cleansed. "

Before you gasp, clutch your pearls, roll your neck and proclaim what you will not do...obedience is better than sacrifice! In Hebrew culture, washing of one's feet is an act of service and humilty (John 13:1-5). If you can recall the woman who was a sinner that came into the feast uninvited to wash Yeshua's feet and anoint him with an expensive oinment from an even more expensive jar...at this moment her and I were one in the same (Luke 7:36-39). I had sinned. I bore false witness against my husband by accusing him of something that was not true. I had broke a commandment. As I washed his feet and cried, the error of each word I spoke to him fell upon me and it was heavy. My goal was to wash away every illegal word curse I had placed upon him. My goal was to wash away every sting that I pricked him with. I also had to prepare him properly to go forward in confidence for the next day's appointed assignment from the Lord. SIS IT WAS A LOT AND IT WAS A WHOLE THING!!! As I finished the acts of cleansing and preperation, he stood up and hugged me. I could still see the hurt in his face but he managed to muster a smile and gave me a kiss on the forehead. Girl, I started crying again!

I had not been a Proverbs 31: 11-12 woman. I had been a serpent. No, seriously. If we are going to be honest and accountable then let's do it 100%! I had been a serpent in my own home and it was not a good feeling.

NO MAN OR WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO TOLERATE VERBAL ABUSE OR ABUSE OF ANY KIND! That is not the Lord's way! Love can correct but it does not boast in anger. As I got deeper in the word after this incident, I was grateful that God did not handle me as He had handled Miriam and Aaron for murmuring against Moses! Granted, Sis. Miriam was really shading Zipporah or had thoughts that were not eh...holy...nevertheless, the Lord God Almighty dealt with her and dealt with her with a quickness! God is gentle and kind do you hear me!? It was clear to me, that I was humbling myself before God. I was humbling myself before the covenant. When Christ carried the cross (our burdens) on His shoulders, He was humiliated in public! The sacrifice was humiliated and we have the nerve to scoff when God calls us to be humble (and experience humiliation) in private?! Make it make sense! In order to be truly humble, humiliation will be experienced and not in the dose that we always are comfortable with! Again, I am just grateful that Abba allowed this in the home and not else where!

Watch your words. Watch how you convey your thoughts. Whether the abuse occured 1 day, 1 month or 1 year it is not what the Lord desires for us to do to each other. Being a wife not only requires stewardship of money and time, it also requires a stewardship of your words.

How has this blog helped you? What will you change when it comes to how you speak to your spouse or family?